On falling behind.

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“Sometimes we’re not yet the people we need to be in order to contain the desires we have.  Sometimes we have to let ourselves evolve into the place where we can allow what we want to transpire.  Let’s just say that whatever you want, you want it enough.  So much so that you’re making yourself miserable in order to achieve it.  What about chilling out?  Maybe your motivation isn’t the problem, but that you keep pushing a boulder up a mountain that only grows in size the more you push.”

To Anyone Who Thinks They’re Falling Behind in Life – Jamie Varon (Huffington Post)

 

Some Days Are Better Than Others.

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Some days are dry, some days are leaky
Some days come clean, other days are sneaky
Some days take less but most days take more
Some slip through your fingers and onto the floor

Some days you’re quick but most days you’re speedy
Some days you use more force than is necessary
Some days just drop in on us
Some days are better than others

How To Make Stress Your Friend (TED Talk)

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Another great TED Talk suggestion.

” . . . [T]he harmful effects of stress on your health are not inevitable. How you think and how you act can transform your experience of stress. When you choose to view your stress response as helpful, you create the biology of courage. And when you choose to connect with others under stress, you can create resilience . . . Stress gives us access to our hearts. The compassionate heart that finds joy and meaning in connecting with others, and yes, your pounding physical heart, working so hard to give you strength and energy, and when you choose to view stress in this way, you’re not just getting better at stress, you’re actually making a pretty profound statement. You’re saying that you can trust yourself to handle life’s challenges, and you’re remembering that you don’t have to face them alone.”

A New Season, A New Phase.

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September was hard y’all. News that I’d failed the bar exam threw me into a veritable tailspin, where my only hope was a safe crash landing. On my way to solid ground, I encountered a barrage of mental, emotional, and spiritual challenges. From recalibrating my job search to dealing with student loan repayment, adjusting to life after failing the bar exam has been tough.

But now that October is here, much of the dust from September has settled. I can now see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. What’s more, this week brought with it two indications that a new, more positive phase in post-fail life is beginning. The first thing that happened was my submission of a supplemental application to sit for the February exam. The second thing was receiving a copy of my essays from July, along with model answers for comparison. While the past several weeks have been more about finding my bearings and healing from the wounds inflicted in my first experience with the exam, the focus now shifts to determining exactly what went wrong in July and using that information to plot a course for success in February.

Turning in my application was rather symbolic. It solidified my commitment to try again. Before bar results came out, I often said that if I didn’t pass, I wouldn’t take it a second time. When I thought about how tough the summer had been, I honestly didn’t know if I was capable of going through it all over again. But sometime in the middle of September, I realized that by saying that I didn’t know if I could work as hard, or be as regimented as I was in the summer, I was shortchanging myself and my abilities. I was limiting my own potential to become better, stronger, and smarter. I realized that I had more than enough fight left in me, and that I was capable of enduring another crucible. Through these realizations, I found the resolve to try again.

Though I still haven’t received my exact score for the July exam (apparently that comes separately), comparing my essays to model answers will illuminate what went wrong the first time around and aid in developing a study plan over the next several months. When I first opened the packet, part of me still desperately hoped that somehow my exam software had malfunctioned on test day and my “passing” essays were never uploaded and graded, as a friend and I had jokingly discussed several weeks ago. But, there they were, all twelve of them. I haven’t mustered the courage to read them yet, but I look forward to using them to get to where I need to be in February.

Though things aren’t necessarily getting any easier, I feel a lot stronger than I did a month ago. I’m sure that challenges will continue to arise in this new phase of post-fail life, but I’m ready for it. It’s been hard, but I’m dealing. I’m surviving. Sometimes, that’s enough.

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The Necessity of Optimism.

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One of my best friends sent me the passage below a couple days ago. It really spoke to me. The author talks about optimism and the will to continue in spite of life’s many challenges. I find it relevant not only to those of us planning to take the bar again, but also for our colleagues who’ve passed but are still looking for employment.

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. . . About my personal philosophy. It is anchored in optimism. It must be, for optimism brings with it hope, a future with a purpose, and therefore, a will to fight for a better world. Without this optimism, there is no reason to carry on. If we think of the struggle as a climb up a mountain, then we must visualize a mountain with no top. We see a top, but when we finally reach it, the overcast rises and we find ourselves merely on a bluff. The mountain continues on up. Now we see the “real” top ahead of us, and strive for it, only to find we’ve reached another bluff, the top still above us. And so it goes on, interminably.

Knowing that the mountain has no top, that it is a perpetual quest from plateau to plateau, the questions arises, “Why the struggle, the conflict, the heartbreak, the danger, the sacrifice. Why the constant climb?” Our answer is the same as that which a real mountain climber gives when he is asked why he does what he does. “Because it’s there.” Because life is there ahead of you and either one tests oneself in its challenges or huddles in the valleys in a dreamless day-to-day existence whose only purpose is the preservation of an illusory security and safety. The latter is what the vast majority of people choose to do, fearing the adventure into the unknown. Paradoxically, they give up the dream of what may lie ahead on the heights of tomorrow for a perpetual nightmare—an endless succession of days fearing the loss of tenuous security.

Unlike the chore of the mythic Sisyphis, this challenge is not an endless pushing up of a boulder to the top of the hill, only to have it roll back again, the chore to be repeated eternally. It is pushing the boulder up an endless mountain, but, unlike Sisyphis, we are always going further upward. And also unlike Sisyphis, each stage of the trail upward is different, newly dramatic, an adventure each time.

At times we do fall back and become discouraged, but it is not that we are making no progress. Simply, this is the very nature of life—that it is a climb—and that the resolution of each issue in turn creates other issues, born of plights which are unimaginable today. The pursuit of happiness is never-ending; happiness lies in the pursuit.

-Saul Alinsky, Rules for Radicals

The false sense of being left behind.

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One of the more unsettling feelings that I’ve dealt with since finding out that I failed the bar exam is an overall sense that I was left behind. It started almost immediately when it seemed that everyone around me had passed but somehow, I hadn’t. While others were celebrating clearing this huge hurdle and moving on to greater opportunity, I was still stuck in limbo.

Thankfully, two things helped me to work through these feelings. The first came in a conversation with my parents. When I described this feeling to them, they gave me this advice: It’s not about anyone else. It’s not about your friends. It’s not about your classmates. It’s not even about us. It’s about you and your career.  My parents helped me to realize that by focusing on feeling left behind, I wasn’t concentrating on what was really important, which was getting up, dusting myself off, and figuring out what needed to be done next. It was ok to be disappointed, but beating myself up by wallowing in the notion that I’d choked when others hadn’t was counterproductive. What was more important was learning from the situation, using it to better myself, and plotting a new trajectory.

The second thing that helped me was reaching out to others who also didn’t pass. For the first couple of days, I didn’t know of a single person besides myself who’d failed, but I knew they were out there. I desperately wanted to reach out to them, not for the sake of perpetuating the adage that “misery loves company,” but for comradery, and comfort in the knowledge that I wasn’t alone. When we finally started to find one another, it helped me to realize that it wasn’t the end of the world and that our time would soon come as well. Many of them were already on their feet and taking steps to prepare for the next exam. Through them, I found inspiration to help me move forward.

The feeling of being left behind is still very much present. It comes up whenever my colleagues post about getting interviews and starting new jobs. But by recognizing that the feeling is ultimately misguided, and that I’m not alone, I’m able to keep those feelings at bay. This not only allows me to join my colleagues in their happiness, but to also stay focused on what’s most important: finishing strong in February.

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On Being Wrong (TED Talk).

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A great TED Talk that a friend sent me over the weekend.

“Think back for a moment to elementary school. You’re sitting there in class, and your teacher is handing back quiz papers, and one of them looks like this [displays a spelling test graded with a C-]. This is not mine, by the way. (Laughter) So there you are in grade school,and you know exactly what to think about the kid who got this paper. It’s the dumb kid, the troublemaker, the one who never does his homework. So by the time you are nine years old, you’ve already learned, first of all, that people who get stuff wrong are lazy, irresponsible dimwits — and second of all, that the way to succeed in life is to never make any mistakes . . . according to this, getting something wrong means there’s something wrong with us.“

The Fight Against Isolation.

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Don’t isolate yourself.

Out of all the advice I’ve received over the past week, this has by far been the most helpful. Heeding this advice is not only helping me through the almost grief-like beginning stages of acceptance, but it’s also helping me to foster a greater connection to everyone around me.

When I first found out that I’d failed the bar, my gut reaction was to hide away and not tell anyone. I felt that if I could hide my failure, even for just a little while, I could hang onto whatever shred of dignity I had left. Alone and terrified, I found myself quickly slipping into despair.

Despite feelings of shame and disappointment, however, I eventually found myself needing to reach out for support. The only thing I could do at first was text the simple phrase “I didn’t pass” to those closest to me, but that was enough. I can’t tell you how much of a relief it was to do so. Though I only told a handful of people that first day, those individuals kept me from going to a really dark place. For that I am forever grateful.

Even now, after over a week, I’m still fighting the urge hide away. The thought of avoiding people, conversations, and situations where the topic of bar exam might come up enters my mind quite often. But by fighting the urge to isolate, I’m not only learning more about myself and how I handle difficult situations, but also about empathy and the kindness of others.

I am so thankful for the outpouring of support that I’ve received over the past week. If I had succumbed to the urge to isolate myself and allow negative thoughts to dictate my actions, I would have never gotten such positive support.

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